And lo, Moses descended from the mountaintop, carrying a functional but ew-it’s-not-an-Apple tablet in each hand. “Friends, creatives, interns,” be began, “upon us hath been bestowed a wonderous gift from our lord, Howard Gossage. Within these carvings lie the secret to advertising to Millennials. Let us follow them implicitly and without delay, lest we miss out on 2-for-1 drink specials at McSwiggin’s.” The tablets read:
I. Thou must include a bearded man in all promotional materials. Preferably with his accomplice, a French bulldog.
II. Thou won’t believe what happens next! (Number IX will restore your faith in humanity!)
III. Thou shalt allude to our crippling debt. (Intern jokes tested well in Worcester, again.)
IV. Thou shalt fabricate dissent within the system. With verbiage such as “defectors,” “manifesto,” and “rebellion,” whilst conveniently ignoring Starbucks’ ever-growing market share.
V. Selfies must be disseminated. For interacting with us whilst not necessarily buying our product, we plastered your mug on a Jumbotron, our latest package design, and are in talks to etch it on the Moon.
VI. Thou shalt ensure your product is 100% marketable. All-natural, non-GMO, cage-free. (Previous generation long-johns just said: “cotton.”)
VII. Embrace the idols of yesteryear. (Reboot II: Electric Boogaloo)
VIII. Millennials will be depicted frolicking on rooftops. Overlooking how being self-aware, reclusive, and anxious hasn’t been this cool since Salinger.
IX. Thou shalt drag an Internet subculture into the light. And its appeal will scatter as cockroaches from a torch.
X. Thou shalt conjure irreverence. Irreverence cannot live without love, but fears it forgot how since the war.
XI. Bacon. No, more than that. You’re getting there. Hast though considered adding more bacon?
XII. Thou must include an option to share on Facebook. Audiobooks, artisanal mayonnaise, real maps of fake lands, pornography, MORE pornography, and pinecone owls. How about this post? Full circle!
~ Chase Cambria, Jr. Copywriter and Actual Millennial, The S3 Agency
