Corned Beef is a bachelor’s dream meat. It’s cheap—even during the cyclical height of its popularity around the Ides of March, its price/lb-to-flavor ratio never breaks a budget. To prepare, you need little else beyond the brisket itself, a head of cabbage, a fistful of carrots, a potbelly of potatoes, a swig of lager, and 8 hours for them to form a cohesive body in a slow cooker. And it remains as succulent on day 5 out of the microwave as it does on its first forage from the crockpot. It’s got so much going for it. Yet Corned Beef simply doesn’t get the love it so rightly deserves. Why? Because of how unappealing its name is. Sometimes you have to know when to rebrand.
Before we embark on our renaming, let’s investigate Corned Beef’s brand abroad and at home. Domestically, Corned Beef is often consumed as Corned Beef Hash, a scrapple-like breakfast/brunch dish served over potatoes and under runny eggs. This (delicious) bastardization of Corned Beef dominates the American consumer landscape, and is a chief driver in the need to differentiate the brisket as its own separate entity. Internationally, Corned Beef is known as Salt Beef in the UK. It goes by Bully Beef when mixed with a twinge of gelatin. Canned Bully Beef served as the primary protein ration of the British Army for over fifty years, which reinforces this author’s belief that its best suited for bachelors.
So, without further adieu, I present my ten favorite rebrand concepts for Corned Beef:
Stag Slab – From the makers of Bachelor Chow.
Bunker Steak – Good enough to beat back the enemy, twice.
Brixton Broil – Like London Broil, if London Broil was looking to pick a fight.
Expendicure – Available OTMC [Over-the-meat-counter].
Tearduct Cut – Also doubles as an acceptable death m/etal album title.
N.A. Fillet – Hopefully Oprah endorses high-sodium (Na) diets as the next big thing.
Seadog’s Chop – [Respectfully sparing readers from an abysmal pirate pun].
Brisket O’Belfast – Gotta play on that (Northern) Irish connection.
Saltpansear – Portmanteaus are severely underrepresented in our supermarkets.
Lowly Loin – Self-pity sells; hipsters will attempt to gentrify it. I’d risk my reputation as a Nonsense Merchant on it.
We can do better than Corned Beef. Corned Beef deserves better.
